My superiors at AtléticoFans requested of me to find a Madridista willing to offer his opinion on Saturday’s derby at the Vicente Calderón.
While walking through the park, I witnessed a man making fun of a little boy for wearing a Falcao Atlético Madrid shirt: “Enjoy that jersey little loser! The ‘White Tiger’ is one of us!” he bellowed.
I noticed that the child’s verbal abuser happened to be wearing a somewhat worn out Beckham Real Madrid jersey, and to prevent him from continuing his bullying, I asked him if he would like to share his view about the upcoming encounter between our two clubs.
To my surprise, Mr. Juanker Dushierrez agreed. Here’s what he had to say:
Sleep tight, Patéticos.
Mañana, you will all awaken to your worst nightmare. Do you dream in white? Jajaja.
Dios mío, I love derbi week. Why do you sad losers even bother? Haven’t you had enough? I’m so embarrassed for you already. Year after year. The way you set yourselves up for spectacular failure is second to none.
I will admit, though, it is so cute how all you Tweeters try and create the “atmosphere” you say you love so much. How do you like your atmosphere once Cristiano has you all crying? You better get your Kleenex and ice cream ready, because we will crush you and your sad little hopes and dreams. Looking at Twitter now and I’ll proba–
Joderrrrrrrrrrrrr! No Cristiano!? Qué coño! Okay, breathe. Think, think…WWJD? What would Juanker do, not Jesus, you idiotic mattress weirdos. He was a Culé.
Jaja, why was I worried? Our bench is better than Pateti even if you brought back all your former stars. Pipa and Benz will paint your sorry decrepit stadium with their greatness. Free of charge, aside from the three points, of course. Best defence in the league? We’ll see.
Ay, for the day when we may face a worthy opponent. No-one has answered our ad, though. Yet.
No, tomorrow the best you have is Falcao. And we all know he’s a Madridista. His father nurtured a noble dream in the White Tiger, to play for the best club in the known universe. And for that, Señor García, I salute you. No-one will celebrate Madrid’s victory more than Falcao. He’ll be a Blanco by year’s end, playing where destiny dictates.
The only thing that concerns me about tomorrow is whether or not your dirty dog Costa will infect our glorious defenders with rabies. Someone get that animal a bar of soap. Es más feo que la hostia! Our men have bigger cojones just for having to look at him up close.
But I guess you need all the help you can get.
Sweet dreams, losers. Tomorrow will be another beautiful day in Madrid.
P.S. If we lose, it was the ref’s fault. If we win, STFU. Madrid is white.
P.P.S. Also, Papa Mou’s totally gonna field a B-team. Feel proud of your gifted victory (if we’re feeling generous, jaja) while it lasts. ¡A por la remontada!
P.P.P.S. If we do lose, honestly, no rubbing it in, ¿comprenden? Manners. Do your parents teach you those on your side of town? Probably not, but try and rise to the occasion in the presence of your betters.